God With Us

Matthew 1:23 

She will give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel, which means ‘God is with us.’

What does it mean, that God is with us?

I remember back when we were struggling through infertility, how angry and hurt and alone I felt at times. I thought God had abandoned us. I wondered if He was playing some kind of cruel joke. If He was really God, why didn't He "fix" this? (Not that there was anything to fix really; doctors were never really able to pinpoint anything wrong. But I wanted Him to fix my hurt.) The realities were twofold:

1. HE wasn't distant; I was. I had pulled away from Him rather than leaning into Him.

2. I still wanted to be King of MY Kingdom and have Him do MY bidding, rather than being open to what He might be doing in my life and allowing Him to be King.

If He had done what I wanted, I would never have had the 20 years I did with my beloved David. I would have never known my sweet daughter Kate and been amazed at the beautiful young woman she is becoming. We would never have known the joy that our beautiful granddaughter Charlotte brings to our lives. So many stories and memories I would have missed out on. So many opportunities to see the hand of God lovingly working in our lives.

Some might say, "But He took your son! Where's the love in that?" My only answer is that I don't know why God took our David. I am slowly learning that he was struggling with a great deal; the study of mental illness is still so new. I just don't have all the information at my disposal that God has.

But if you're asking "Where was God in all of this?" I'll tell you;  He was right beside us,  holding us up and giving us strength as between 500 and 600 people came to the visitation and funeral.  The funeral director said that, in her 12 years in the business, she had NEVER seen a turnout like this one.

Where was God? Seven months prior, in June/July of 2016, someone had indicated to David that he might qualify for ODSP (Ontario Disability Support Program, I believe). He saw a doctor, received a diagnosis, made the application and was approved.  His worker John said he was greatly surprised at the speed with which it was all processed; usually it takes months. Because David was receiving ODSP, he was eligible for some basic funeral benefits, which helped us cover the staggering costs. Where was God? He was putting things into place 7 months ago so that our needs would be met now.

And I didn't even know about all this! When I started inquiring about funeral services, the first place was very expensive. God put Armstrong Funeral Home on my mind, and He put Brent on the phone. I didn't even know the right questions to ask, but Brent did. It was he who discovered David was on a disability and connected me with the funeral benefits resources to help us. Where was God? He was directing me to Armstrong and the personnel to help us meet the funeral costs.

We ran into roadblocks with paperwork: ODSP needed a bank statement, the bank needed a death certificate, David's body hadn't been released from the coroner's office... We couldn't move forward with the planning. And we were still in the midst of our own very fresh grief. I was talking to the funeral home about other things and mentioned this in passing. "Don't worry" they said. "We'll draft a letter to facilitate this." Had the letter within the hour, went to the bank, the very busy manager happened to have a half hour available just then, and we had our documents! Where was God? Walking ahead of us, opening closed doors so we could move forward.

On Tuesday night, after a 3-hour meeting with the funeral director, where we saw David for the first time, we arrived home at 9:30 pm, physically and emotionally spent. A text came through from Steve, the director of the Toronto Northern Lights, the men's chorus to which I belong, to say that the guys wanted to help. They had taken up a collection to help cover the remaining funeral costs. As a result of their very generous gifts, over $4000 was given to us. Everything was covered! Where was God? Moving the hearts of my dear brothers-in-song to provide for our financial needs.

My wife's cousin Kathy and our good friend Beth coordinated the many who wanted to help with meals; every night for the month of January, someone shows up at our door around 5 pm with a hot meal. Where was God? Right there, taking care of the meals when Judy and I just couldn't get our heads around it.

The new album by Chris Tomlin, "Never Lose Sight", is a wonderful, encouraging CD.  In the song "Good Good Father", there's a line that reads "'Cause You know just what we need before we say a word..."  That has been our experience throughout this heart-wrenching ordeal.  I can say, in the midst of my tears and my grief, that He is a "Good Good Father".

I don't have a clue who will read these posts, or IF anyone will read them. I've come to realize that the issue is not "Do you still have trials when you belong to God? And is He therefore still good?" During our infertility struggles, my mindset was "Why are You doing this to me, God?  I'm on the right team; this shouldn't be happening!"  I had so much to learn. The truth is that we ALL face trials, whether we are God-followers or not.  I am grateful to have Him walk through them with me, rather than having to face them alone. How about you? Do you have that hope, that assurance?

My faith in God's trustworthiness is strengthened; I will not doubt Him and His goodness.  I will strive, in whatever I may face, to simply ask "What are You trying to teach me, Lord?"