My First Post - Losing, Grieving, Waiting

Hard to believe that only 2 weeks ago, at 3:15 am, the police were at our door to tell us our beloved son David had died of an accidental drug overdose, at the age of 20.

It's all a little surreal. And yet God had been preparing us for this day, and preparing things to help us when this day would come.

The couple of years prior to this were difficult. On December 29th, a friend had texted me to ask me how things were going.  I had responded, "Not much we can do about his choices ... It's one thing to release your child into God's hands knowing he could be in for a bumpy road; it's another to learn to release him into God's hands knowing your next visit to the hospital could be to ID his body. Quite a road He's taking us on." Little did I know at that time where the road would lead.

Oh David, I loved you so, my son! You were truly my "beloved" son, the meaning of your name. I was so excited and awestruck and overwhelmed to be chosen to be your dad! What a prospect! How daunting! My desire to be the best dad I could be is part of what drove me to the Lord; to commit to following Him was the best way I knew how to be the best dad for you! I felt a responsibility to your birth parents as well, to do this to the best of my ability.

And yet I can't help but feel like I failed you.  I told you that we missed you and that we loved you,  but somehow it just wasn't enough ... Oh David, I long to hug you, to hold your face in my hands and tell you how much I love you, and to trust me with the steps you need to take. But it's too late for that now.

Psalm 31:7 says "I will be glad and rejoice in Your love, for You saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul."  Verses 9 & 10 read "Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and body with grief. My life is consumed by anguish and my years by groaning; my strength fails because of my affliction and my bones grow weak."

Psalm 34:18 reminds me that "the Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." And Psalm 147:3 reads "He heals the broken-hearted and binds up their wounds." Psalm 34:15 says "His ears are attentive to their cry ..." And Psalm 27:14 reads "Wait for the Lord; Be strong and take heart, and wait for the Lord." 

And so I wait...